


as if the rain forgot how to stop

by ohvictor



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:26:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohvictor/pseuds/ohvictor
Summary: Rei doesn’t have an answer for what’s wrong with him, but he’s very sure he doesn’t want Koga to suddenly start fussing over him. “Ah, nothing. I’m just a little tired.”Luckily that sort of excuse is practically Rei’s business card at this point, if a business card is something you exchange with your name and contact information.Hi, I’m Sakuma Rei. I’m tired.So Koga doesn’t think twice about it, except he does groan and shove at Rei’s shoulder. It’s a 20% strength shove, which means affection, mostly.“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna take a shower, ‘kay? Can ya change Leon’s water for me?”





	as if the rain forgot how to stop

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this back in october as vent fic, and decided on a whim to finally publish it. if you recognize the title, i’m sorry LOL
> 
> eta: i don’t have a word for it, but this fic is comprised mostly of an episode of bad mental health - some mix of depression, anxiety, and dissociation. please be careful when reading!

Rei trails Koga into his tiny apartment and pauses habitually at the door as a Leon-shaped missile rockets out of the kitchen and punches into Koga’s side, knocking him sideways. Koga  _ loves _ this. He goes down like a domino, wrapping his arms around Leon and rolling around on the carpet gleefully with him, his face split in a huge grin as he receives several joyful licks to the face. 

Rei sometimes crouches down on his shitty painful knees and joins them on the ground, ending in all three of them tangled together and covered in dog kisses. Or sometimes Rei watches fondly from above like an old grandfather watching children tussle in the park, until they regain their forms as Rei’s boyfriend and his dog. 

Today, Rei lingers in the doorway and wonders why his chest hurts as he watches this display he’s seen dozens of times since he and Koga started dating. Koga is making happy noises, half-sweet talk and half-cooing, and Rei thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world, only given competition by the hundreds of other cute things Koga does, except it’s as if the Rei who finds Koga unbearably cute is another Rei who’s standing next to Rei, the Rei observing him, and all Rei can feel is an echo, a recycled emotion. 

Koga eventually peels himself off the floor, Leon now trotting happily around Koga’s feet as if Koga’s the sun (fair) and Leon’s his moon (does the sun have moons? Or just planets?), and regards Rei with his typical mix of concern and anger. “What’s wrong with you? You’re just standin’ there.”

Ah. He is, isn’t he? Rei doesn’t have an answer for what’s  _ wrong _ with him, but he’s very sure he doesn’t want Koga to suddenly start fussing over him. “Ah, nothing. I’m just a little tired.” 

Luckily that sort of excuse is practically Rei’s business card at this point, if a business card is something you exchange with your name and contact information.  _ Hi, I’m Sakuma Rei. I’m tired. _ So Koga doesn’t think twice about it, except he does groan and shove at Rei’s shoulder. It’s a 20% strength shove, which means affection, mostly. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna take a shower, ‘kay? Can ya change Leon’s water for me?” 

He’s even turning off towards the bathroom as he says it. Rei finds his fingers, focuses on the tips, and stretches out his arm and grabs the hem of Koga’s shirt. Koga stops dead and turns back to Rei. Rei has no answer for him. This was not part of the plan of ‘not making Koga fuss over him’. Koga’s bright yellow eyes scan Rei’s face like a barcode, as if the right answer will ping in his brain. Rei tries to look helpful and project the image of a barcode, except he isn’t sure what the fuck is wrong, why his chest hurts and his body is a little to the left of where it should be and his fingers moved of their own accord. If he could project a barcode, it would be several squiggly lines arranged in the shape of a question mark. Surely a Koga-scanner wouldn’t be able to read that. 

Koga blinks at him. “You sure you’re okay?”

Rei isn’t sure. 

“Okay, well, I need to shower,” Koga says. He looks down at Leon, still pressing his furry side against Koga’s pant leg. “Leon, can you watch this big idiot while I shower?” He watches Leon mush his face into the pant leg, and then looks up at Rei. “Okay, he said he’ll do it.” 

It’s cute. Rei can feel his face burning, which doesn’t feel very good. 

Koga squints. His lovely eyes are harder to see like this. “You’re not gonna do anything weird, right? Just sit somewhere and pet Leon. That always helps me feel better.” He hesitates, and then reaches for Rei’s hand, the one apparently still holding the bottom of his shirt. Carefully, he pries the fabric from between Rei’s fingers and replaces it with his own, twining their hands together. His skin is warm, his palm and fingertips lightly calloused, and he looks up at Rei with an expression so open and sincere Rei feels like he could dry up into a husk for being the recipient of it. “Just wait for me, okay?”

He must really be acting weird, Rei decides, because Koga hasn’t yelled at him for not saying anything, or called him names, except for ‘this big idiot’, which Rei feels is deserved. He feels like his mouth won’t work, so he nods, and when Koga pulls away and takes his hand with him, Rei makes sure his fingers part to allow this. Then Koga heads off into the depths of the apartment and Rei hears the bathroom door snap shut. A second later, the shower starts to run. 

Koga does not take long showers. Rei tries to run mental math but finds that numbers do not exist, and then finds a sudden pressure against his shin. When he looks down, of course it’s Leon. In the distant past, Rei recalls being told to change Leon’s water. If he doesn’t complete this task, Leon will be thirsty. In fact, he might be already, since he rolled around so energetically with Koga on the carpet, possibly hours ago. 

Rei investigates his feet. Leon also investigates Rei’s feet. God, he didn’t even take his shoes off. He does this. Leon sticks his tongue out of his mouth and wags his tail. Perhaps he’s thirstier than Rei thought. He hasn’t found slippers, but he needs to get Leon his drink, so he pads into Koga’s kitchen in socks. Leon trails after him, tail still wagging like the tail on one of those clocks. Like the ones where there’s a tail hanging down, marking the seconds. Leon’s tail is moving very fast, indicating the passage of lots of seconds, so maybe Koga’s shower will be finished sooner. 

Rei finds Leon’s water bowl has a little water still in it. Perhaps this water is no longer good? He picks up the dish and carries it to the sink. Leon trots after him. Rei empties the dish carefully and then refills it, and then sets it down on the floor in the spot it was previously. Koga probably set it there in the morning, and Koga knows best where things should go in his own house. Leon glances at the filled water, Rei’s huge completed task, and begins winding himself enthusiastically around Rei’s ankles. 

“Ah,” Rei blurts out, “I’ll fall,” and Leon may be able to understand Koga’s speech, given that Koga is, as Rei knows, a doggie himself, but Leon clearly can’t understand Rei’s speech, and continues wiggling around Rei’s feet. Rei takes one for the team and sits down like a human so that he doesn’t instead topple over like a felled tree. He tucks his knees up to his chest and leans his back against Koga’s fridge, and Leon evidently decides this is the optimal position for sitting on a lap and starts worming his way onto Rei’s, which is currently like a collapsed folding chair in that a seat exists but is not occupiable. To rectify this obvious error, Rei unfolds his knees and crosses his legs, forming a very suitable lap, and Leon sprawls across it. 

Rei leans forward gingerly and smushes his face in Leon’s back. Leon smells like a dog, not in a stinky wet dog way but in a comfortable wiggly pillow way. His fur is orange-brown and white and softer than Rei always expects, and the waves of joy and positivity he radiates are practically tangible. 

A good boy, indeed. Now that Rei’s face is connected to Leon’s body, he wraps his arms around Leon’s bready body as well, hugging him tight. Leon positively shivers with glee. It occurs to Rei that Leon’s fur is wet, and also that Rei’s throat hurts. Did he somehow gain a dog allergy? That would be the worst thing, because what if it means he can’t see Koga anymore? His chest hurts worse at the thought, and he lifts his head so he can slip a hand between dog and chest and feel for carnage, and discovers Leon’s fur is very blurry now that he can see it. 

Ah, that’s it. He’s crying for some reason. 

Once Rei’s face is no longer dripping tears—horrible—onto Leon’s fur, Leon squirms around in Rei’s lap so that he can see Rei’s face. Rei thinks that dogs probably can’t understand what humans look like when they’re sad versus when they’re happy, and he also thinks dogs are colorblind, except in this case possibly the only difference for Leon is that Rei’s eye color might look different, like green or something. Leon stares up at Rei’s dumb teary face, and then lifts up and begins licking it furiously. 

Ah. Rei has little objection to being covered in dog saliva, so that isn’t the issue. The issue is that Leon, this warm loaf of love and joy, is at this moment committed solely to cleaning Rei’s face of tears, for whatever reason exists in his dog mind—maybe he thinks Rei’s face is dirty, or the tears taste good (in which case, Rei did literally just fill Leon’s water bowl, so this dog is displaying strange taste), and maybe—it cannot possibly be, but maybe—he can tell Something Is Wrong, even if Rei hasn’t managed to figure out what’s wrong, or even if something  _ is _ wrong. 

It’s becoming hard to breathe, Rei realizes, because now he’s crying even harder. His eyes sting as tears flow out of them, down his cheeks, which Leon is frantically cleaning like a windshield wiper, and his chest and throat are so tight that no air can come in or out, which maybe isn’t good. Rei tries to force air into his lungs, but then it all whooshes out in a kind of gross sob noise, uncontrolled and too loud, and he realizes the sound from Koga’s shower is gone, or maybe he tuned it out so thoroughly he can’t hear it, but maybe Koga heard his stupid loud sob, which somehow feels very alarming. 

“Holy shit,” Koga says, confirming again that Rei is not  _ aware _ of  _ things  _ today, and when he looks up he finds a freshly showered Koga standing in the doorway of the kitchen. What a sight he must have found here, his aforementioned big idiot boyfriend sitting on his kitchen floor crying and his dog licking his face. At the sound of Koga’s voice, Leon looks up from cleaning Rei’s face and wags his tail, as if to say,  _ I completed the mission! _

Rei thinks if he tries to speak he’ll make an even grosser noise, but Koga seems to get the gist of the situation, and he sits down next to Rei on the floor. His hair is still wet and he’s wearing sweatpants and an old t-shirt that hangs attractively from his shoulders. He’s  _ just _ showered and is very pristine and clean, and Rei wastes no time in clinging to him and burying his face in Koga’s shoulder. His chest loosens a little as he fights to inhale Koga’s clean smell through his clogged-up nose. 

“Oi, don’t get snot on my shirt,” Koga says. He pats Rei’s back gently. “You were fine when we left school, right? What happened?”

Rei is not sure what happened. He had picked up Koga at Yumenosaki, and then driven them back to Koga’s house. What had happened? He tries to remember arriving at Yumenosaki. He had felt good, excited to see Koga. Or— That isn’t right. He was tired, after a week of recording sessions where he kept fucking up...maybe? He had waited outside 3B’s classroom, dodging glances from students and teachers alike passing by the room. Being back at Yumenosaki was like breathing poisonous air. When class has ended, he’d poked his head in to say hi. Natsume wasn’t there, and Ritsu and Mao had ignored him. And Koga had grumbled about assignments all the way to the car, and Rei had put on music too loud to talk as they drove. 

“I,” Rei starts, testing his voice. “It’s been a very rough week...”

There are still tears leaking out of his eyes. He thinks he knows now. He hasn’t been thinking about it, any of it, the feelings of failure and being unwanted, of never making anyone happy, of just wanting to be held and taken care of, all the difficult things and responsibilities taken away, safer in someone else’s hands. He feels so impossibly small, too small for his body, his hands, the weight on his shoulders, and so he’d lost it as soon as Leon showed him some affection. 

It’s hugely embarrassing, and it feels like a defect of the human experience, that such feelings cannot be shoved so deep in Rei’s chest that they disappear. Instead they’re all spilling out like a sponge being squeezed out, a bucket overflowing under a steady leak, an ocean, a symphony, except gross and base and painful, like mud, like a cacophony, like a lacrimosa. 

Koga’s arms tighten around him, and as Rei slowly fits back into his body, he can feel Koga pressing his lips to his temple, waiting it out. Between them, Leon wriggles, his little legs patting against Rei’s thighs. 

Once Rei feels like he can, he lifts his head. His face is covered in tears, and his nose is completely stuffed, but the rest of him feels clearer. Koga is looking at him like—well, like he’s just cried for several minutes unprompted on the floor, so, fair. Rei reaches his arms out and hugs Koga very hard, squishing Leon between them. Leon does not seem to mind this, but Koga yelps. “Don’t crush my dog, what the fuck!”

“I’m not,” Rei says, but he lets go and sits back, leaning against the fridge. Crying took a lot of energy he did not have to spare. 

“You seem better.” Koga eyes him cautiously. 

“Yes,” Rei agrees. It feels true. He wiggles his arms, feeling strangely light. 

Koga smacks his wiggly arm with about 50% strength, which means Rei worried him. “Don’t fucking do shit like that! Tell me when you’re not feeling okay! Use words!”

“I’m sorry,” Rei whines. He thinks about saying that he didn’t  _ know _ he was doing badly, except he probably did know. He’s sure he knew last night when he laid in bed for hours feeling nauseous and small over deadlines, and he’s sure he knew yesterday afternoon when he couldn’t get through one fucking recording because his chest was too tight to breathe. So he probably knew, except he just dragged himself to a bunch of places and then to Koga’s house, where his body apparently decided it was safe to dump everything out on the floor. 

“Next time, call me,” Koga says. He grabs Rei’s face and holds it so that Rei can’t turn away, and looks seriously into Rei’s eyes. Ah! He’s too sincere! Rei might melt!? “Don’t say ‘you had homework’ because you know that’s a fucking lie and I can make time for you even if I do have homework.” Rei shifts guiltily. “Got it? Don’t be an idiot.”

“You have a lot of nerve telling me to be honest about my emotions,” Rei mumbles. Koga smacks his arm with 75% strength, which Rei deserves, and then hauls himself up off the floor, dusting his pants off when he’s upright.

“Thanks for changing Leon’s water,” Koga says. He grabs a few napkins off the counter and shoves them in Rei’s face. “Blow your nose.”

“Thank you,” Rei says into the wad of napkins. He blows his nose. 

  
  



End file.
